Shaun of the Dead

Genre: Comedy/Horror

Director: Edgar Wright

Screenplay: Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kate Ashfield, Lucy Davis, Dylan Morgan, Penelope Wilton, and Bill Nighy

Shaun lives his life catering to his best friend, Ed, with no want for a bigger picture, which is why his girlfriend, Liz, leaves him. While trying to embrace the fact that Liz is gone and yet still concocting a plan to get her back, something darker is happening to the world around him. People are turning into zombies. As soon as Shaun accepts this new dilemma, he is determined to rescue Liz and his mother with the help of Ed and get them to the only safe place they can think of, the pub.

I really adore British movies and the dry humor, so when it was mixed with horror, I fell in love. Yeah, they’re fighting zombies, and they’re laying all their hopes on a beloved pub that will be their sanctuary. Who needs to figure out why there are zombies or how to take care of them. This doesn’t seem to be a good recipe for success, but this film actually works. Plus, although brief, the addition of Bill Nighy to a cast is never a bad thing. This movie is good fun if you enjoy dry humor and can laugh at blood and flailing limbs.

There is one problem that I did have with this film. At the end Shaun is faced with the horrible reality that his mother is about to turn into a zombie and that he will probably have to kill her. A tough matter regardless the zombie situation, yet this is a comedy. They did not however choose to lighten up the situation, but chose to make it very dramatic. The scene was so out of place compared to the rest of the film that I was completely removed from the main plot and then thrust abruptly back into the hilarity. I just felt that they needed to make the transition a little more harmonious to the rest of the tone of the film.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Drag Me to Hell

Genre: Horror

Director: Sam Raimi

Screenplay: Sam Raimi and Ivan Raimi

Starring: Alison Lohman, Justin Long, and Lorna Raver

Christine is a nice girl with the boy of her dreams and always living by the rules. She is competing with another coworker for a promotion. Trying to take a more assertive role to make her look like the ideal candidate, she denies a loan extension for an older woman. Because of this, the woman ends up cursing her. Struggling between belief and ridiculousness, she begins seeing things and is attacked by the unknown. Now she has to figure out the curse before it takes her life.

This is the first horror film that the Raimi brothers have done since the Evil Dead trilogy. Because I love Sam Raimi just as much as I love Bruce Campbell, I immediately ran to the theaters to see it. I was not disappointed. It was just the kind of fun that is expected out of Raimi. The film had plenty of gross moment that made you squirm, yet were so gross at times that you were cracking up, which was the point. Raimi does enjoy his horror, but he also enjoys making you laugh.

There was just one thing that disappointed me thoroughly about the film. Ted Raimi was of course in the film, which I fully expected since he is a Raimi. Bruce Campbell was not, however. I was just shocked that Raimi was doing another horror movie that he wrote and no cameo from Mr. Campbell? I mean he did cameos for the Spiderman movies. I just hope that there was a schedule conflict, because that would be the only reason I’d let Mr. Campbell off.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Shaun of the Dead

Evil Dead

Genre: Horror

Director: Sam Raimi

Screenplay: Sam Raimi

Starring: Bruce Campbell, Ellen Sandweiss, Richard DeManincor, Betsy Baker, and Theresa Tilly

Ash and his friends decide to take a trip to a cabin looking for some fun and relaxation. After arriving, strange things begin to happen, but that’s the warm up. After finding a strange book and recorded tapes in the basement, they decide to play the tapes and evoke an ancient evil.

I had listed in my top 10 favorite Halloween movies Army of Darkness. Well you rightly cannot do a real review without doing one about this film. That is why I chose to do this one instead being that it is the first of the trilogy, Army of Darkness being the last part. This is the brain child of Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell, and Robert Tapert, longtime friends that decided to take the movie business into their own hands. They proved what a strong will and determination can really create, and it doesn’t matter if you live in Hollywood.

The film became successful, but to say that it was good is an entirely different matter alone. I guess it would have been considered alright for the time, and their budget was considered insignificant compared to the studio backed films. The film does have a place of honor as one of the original great scary films of the 80’s. There have been talks of a remake, which would really sadden me, because I don’t think anyone can imagine Ash as anyone else other than Bruce Campbell. The movie and character have spawned two more sequels, video games, and even a feature in comic books. When Marvel Comics decides to go zombie, of course they had to do a special version in which Ash gets thrown in the middle battling the zombie-fied superbeings, a drastic change from his usual “deadites.”

This is the film that started Bruce Campbell’s typecasted career of random horror films and guest appearances of several “weird” television show. I’m not complaining, because I love the guy so much, but I am glad that he has his role on Burn Notice. I would really love to see a guest appearance on Superntatural, especially before time runs out on that show. I would like for him to be given more of a chance with straighter roles, because I think he can more than handle it. He’s actually inspired a story for me that I base a straight character around him. I read about how he would love to handle a role like that, and the story came to me. Not that it will ever come to actual fruition as a movie, but hey, if he can inspire me to do that, he’s got to be a decent actor.

I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Drag Me to Hell

Bubba Ho-Tep

Genre: Comedy/Horror

Director: Don Coscarelli

Screenplay: Don Coscarelli based on the short story by Joe R. Lansdale

Starring: Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis

After trading lives with an impersonator for a less complicated life, Elvis is now old, worn out, and left to a nursing home. Strange occurrences and deaths ignite a spark of purpose within him that he long thought dead. With the help of a friend, one that believes he is J.F.K., Elvis investigates what exactly is happening to the nursing home and comes face to face with a mummy.

This is probably one of my favorite movies ever. The story is so ridiculous yet so well put together that you’re compelled to watch the movie at every moment. The idea of Elvis in a nursing home fighting a mummy with a walker seems like cheap comedy, but alas, the quality of the film is what actually gets you, not to mention decent acting. The story and characters are so good that I can care less about the mummy. The film is quirky and meant to be entertaining which it exceeds fantastically.

Best of all is the acting. I am a huge fan of Bruce “Don’t Call Me Ash” Campbell, because I am a girl that appreciates sarcasm, an attribute Mr. Campbell perfects. I personally feel that this was his best work yet. Of course the Elvis character is miserable and humor is created through sarcasm and crankiness. Bruce Campbell has got that, but Elvis is also a well rounded, emotional person, a character. This is foreign territory for Campbell, but he made it seem as if he had been doing it for years.

Finally, I have to give a shout out to Ossie Davis. This is the type of film, no one would have ever expected him, a phenomenal actor, to be a part of, especially playing J.F.K. His performance alone is worth seeing this film for. He is fantastic!

I give this film 4 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Evil Dead

Rocky Horror Picture Show

Genre: Musical

Director: Jim Sharman

Screenplay: Richard O’Brian and Jim Sharman

Starring: Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, Barry Bostwick, Richard O’Brian, Patricia Quinn, Nell Campbell, Jonathan Adams, Peter Hinwood, and Meat Loaf

Brad and Janet have no choice but to seek help from a creepy old mansion. They didn’t expect to find a showcase of the strange and free spirited residents. The strangest of all is the leader of the crazy menagerie. How are Brad and Janet going to escape? That is if they really want to.

Chocked full of music, fun, and crazy, this movie is a wild ride. Known for being a cult hit and enjoyed by millions, this may not exactly be the film for everyone. It will immediately take most out of their comfort zone. I wouldn’t dare go near this movie if you like staying in your comfort zone, since the basic theme of the film is sexuality. The merit of the film is encouraging people to be comfortable and not be afraid of being themselves no matter how normal or strange it may seem to other people.

There are several examples of great acting in this film, but I think the one person people always seem to remember from this film is Mr. Tim Curry. This is probably his breakthrough role and the one he is most famous for. In my honest opinion, had this film been made today, Curry probably would have been nominated for an Academy Award. Sadly, that was just not the case for the time period of the film.

If you are willing to keep an open mind, I think that you just might enjoy this film.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Bubba Ho-Tep

Moster Squad

Genre: Family

Director: Fred Dekker

Screenplay: Shane Black and Fred Dekker

Starring: Andre Gower, Robby Kiger, Stephen Macht, Duncan Regehr, Tom Noonan, Brent Chalem, Ryan Lambert, Ashley Bank, Michael Faustino, and Mary Ellen Trainor.

When Sean is given the diary of Van Helsing by his mother, he doesn’t realize just how important it is. He and his friends have created a Monster Club due to their love of the great monsters from stories and film. When they are faced with the challenge to actually fight real monsters, Sean discovers that the diary holds a spell that will rid them of the evil beings. There is just not a lot of time left to complete it.

Basically, this film tries to put The Goonies and Ghostbusters together and hoped that it would be a smash hit. It did not however live up to expectation. What we are left with is an alright movie with a couple of memorable lines and a bad theme song, but it was the 80’s. Theme songs were big in the 80’s as well as creating songs just for the film’s entire soundtrack. I kind of miss that in films these days.

The acting and special effects are not really spectacular, but hey they did what they could. This film has to be put in the nostalgic category, for films that we loved as kids but were too naïve to realize how bad they actually were. That being said there is still some fun, especially involving the relationships between the kids and especially when Frankenstein is invited into their group.


I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Rocky Horror Picture Show

Amityville Horror

Genre: Horror

Director: Andrew Douglas

Screenplay: Scott Kosar based on the novel by Jay Anson

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Melissa George, Jesse James, Jimmy Bennett, and Chloe Moretz

The Lutz Family has just bought a new family home, and they are eager to start their new lives together. They just didn’t realize that the home was already occupied when they moved in. Strange occurrences continue to happen and worsen. Something dark and evil is trying to prey upon the Lutz family, but can they stop it?

This isn’t a terrible remake for starters. I actually liked the subtle changes in this interpretation. They put more of the original murder story into this film by using the victims to haunt as well as the evil that surrounds the place. The original story is mostly psychological toying with the supposed actual truth of the events. Since the technological effects were nowhere near the capabilities available to the remake, one would assume that the new movie would head off more in that direction. This was not the case, though there were obvious advances in the effects. They still chose to use the story as the best asset, which the actors helped out with.

I honestly was a little skeptical of seeing Ryan Reynolds in this film, due to this being the first time he took such a serious leading role. Before this, he was mostly known for his comedic abilities. I was delighted to see that he could handle such a role and be taken seriously. This type of flexibility usually leads to phenomenal performances as an actor. By no means do I ever want him to stop comedy, because his sarcasm is divine. I won’t mind seeing his serious roles either.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Monster Squad

Sleepy Hallow

Genre: Horror

Director: Tim Burton

Screenplay: Andrew Kevin Walker based on the story by Washington Irving

Starring: Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci, Miranda Richardson, Michael Gambon, Casper Van Dien, and Christopher Walkin

Ichabod Crane is summoned to Sleepy Hallow to solve a string of murders. There is legend and mystery surrounding them, but Ichabod Crane is determined to make scientific sense of it all. Disctraction comes in the form of the beautiful Katrina Van Tassel for Crane, but she also brings more questions and mysteries of her own. How is Ichabod Crane to prove that these murders have been done by man and not the feared headless horseman.

This will be the second film I am to review concerning this legendary story. I am happy to admit that this film succeeds the last crappy film by several giant leaps and bounds for several reasons. The major reason being:

1. Tim Burton
He is an eccentric film making, and we may not always understand his visions. Though, the man knows how to display one magical and imaginative movie. He has a wonderful use of color in his all of his films, and this one is no different. His uses of the colors red and blue vary by being gorgeous and then frightening the next moment.
2. Johnny Depp
It is never a bad thing to have this man in a movie period, but when he does a Burton, which he does a lot, it is a combination that is difficult to top. His acting skills are pretty decent also. Yeah, that was an understatement.
3. Christopher Walken
I think that man’s name is more than plenty.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Amityville Horror

1408

Genre: Horror

Director: Mikael Håfström

Screenplay: Matt Greenberg, Scott Alexander, and Larry Karaszewski based on the short story by Stephen King

Starring: John Cusak and Samuel L. Jackson

Mike Enslin has made a career of going to famous haunted places and debunking their paranormal attributes. He gets a strange opportunity to check out the infamous room 1408 of the Dolphin Hotel. This being a major step in his career, he immediately agrees. What he finds in room 1408, may actually be true and terrifying.

I really enjoyed this film. I am a huge fan of John Cusak, so I was going to watch it no matter what. I was not disappointed. The fear generated in this film is more psychological and easier to believe as audience and possibly be frightened by, so in easier words, bigger creep factor. These films are always driven by the story, and the better the story, the better the movie. This film certainly held up.

Since this film mostly focuses around one character and his experiences, the merit of the actor has to be high. John Cusak is a wonderful actor that could easily handle the weight of this film. The man could probably do a one man show, and I could sit there completely enthralled. Why he has yet to win an Oscar is a mystery to me. The writing alone in the movie is enough to watch, but to have Cusak drive, who wouldn’t want to take that trip.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Sleepy Hallow

Planet Terror

Genre: Horror/Comedy

Director: Robert Rodriguez

Screenplay: Robert Rodriguez

Starring: Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodriguez, Josh Brolin, Mary Shelton, Jeff Fahey, Naveen Andrews, and Bruce Willis

When bio-weapon is released into the air of a small town, infection spreads turning the people and dead into mutant zombies hungry for flesh. Only a small group of survivors are left to take on the hoard coming to eat them. They can only hope to survive long enough to make it out of town.

So this film is a parody, a bloody and ridiculous parody, but that’s the point. The film is filled with bloody gore upon bloody gore, but in a ridiculous manner that is supposed to make you laugh. It is all in the fun of making you uncomfortable and then asking you to believe that what you’re seeing could be somewhat real. Okay, so maybe turning a missing appendage into a lethal weapon is a little hard to swallow.

There is also a kind of finesse with how the effects of the film make it feel as if it is something from the seventies. The look of the film, the music, and even some of the editing are blended together to give this appearance. It also adds to the ridiculousness, considering many films of that time had the campy humor to it.

If you’re not into laughing at this kind of grotesque blood and gore, then I don’t recommend this one for you.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: 1408

The Strangers-Stu

The Strangers



Directed by Bryan Bertino



Starring Liv Tyler(Aerosmith’s daughter) Scott Speedman(Underworlds)





A couple spends time together at the family cabin. They have just left a wedding and he thought that he would ask her to marry him. She said no. So they decided to spend time together alone at a cabin. So alone out in the middle nowhere, they are tortured by three crazy psycho killers.



This movie was a pretty good. It is based on a true story and the killers are in awesome masks.





3 bloody hand prints

The Children-Stu

The Children


Directed by Tom Shankland


Starring some crazy Brits



Two couples get together for the Holidays. The kids and the parents enjoy spending time with family, with the exception of the teenage rebel and the sick kid. They share stories, laughs, and everything is like a British Norman Rockwell painting. They then discover that the sick kid may have more than just the flu. As the hours go by, things become scary. The children turn into evil murderous demons. Will the adults survive?


This story has it all. Teenage angst. Vomiting children. Sledding injuries. Even sexual tension between an underage goth and her uncle. It is British, but that is all it has going for it. The kids aren’t even creepy, which is what you would ask for in a creepy kid movie.




I give this 1 bloody hand print

White Noise

White Noise



Directed by Geoffrey Sax


Starring Michael Keaton(Batman, Multiplicity), Debra Kara Unger(Silent Hill, Crash(the old one), Chandra West(not much), and Ian McNiece( Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls)



Keaton plays a Architect who loses his wife in a tragedy. He then is stricken with grief that he cannot shake. He then is approached by a man who informs him that he may be able to speak with his wife---from beyond the grave. He then becomes obsessed with seeking his wife and helping others, through the use of EVP(electronic voice phenomenon). The EVP’s help lead him into a world of evil from beyond and trying to help a missing person.



This movie is actually kinda cool. Watching all the ghost shows, I am very familiar with the use of EVP. It is kind of a creepy concept and it is worth a look if you have the time. It goes a little too far, but what do you expect for a horror movie.



I give this one 3 ½ bloody hand prints

Psycho-Stu

Psycho (1998)



Directed by Gus Van Sant


Starring TONS of actors you know. Vince Vaughn(Wedding Crashers) , Anne Heche(Ellen Degenerous) , Julianne Moore(Boogie Nights), Viggo Mortensen(Lord of the Rings) etc.




A young woman decides to hideout at a motel run by a Youngman and his mother. She ends up dead and the race is on to find her killer. Twists and turns take you through this story of murder, mystery, and mommy-issues.



I actually saw this movie in the theatres. Brandon’s mom dropped us off at the old Kokomo Mall theatre. I have not seen this movie since then. I don’t remember a lot about it other than it wasn’t very good. I do, however, remember that we sat with Brad, Brad, and Ashley.



I give this 2 bloody hand prints (b/c I saw it in the theatre)

The Hills Have Eyes-Stu

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)



Directed by Alexandre Aja



Starring Vinessa Shaw(Cork Romano), Emille de Ravin(Lost), Aaron Stanford(X Men), and Kathleen Quinlan(Event Horizon)




A family drives through the remote portions of New Mexico. The drive into a section that was used for atomic bomb testing. Their car breaks down(shocking) and the camp in the van for the night. They then begin to hear noises and see things in the night. A race of mutant people begin to attack them and try to make off with their things, their lives, and their virginity.


This had decent build up, bad acting, and some creepy looking mutants. The whole mutant rape scene of a teenage girl was disturbing. This is a remake, and is not very good.



1 bloody hand print

The Wicker Man-Stu

The Wicker Man(2006)



Directed by Neil LaBute



Starring Nicholas Coppola(National Treasure), Ellen Burstyn(Requiem for a Dream), and Leelee Sobieski( The Glass House)



A cop is contacted by his former fiancé. Guess what? You have a child. Guess what else? She is missing. Guess what else else? She may have been kidnapped by a crazy old bat that runs a hippy/feminist island. Guess what else else else? I’m lying.



This movie was awful. I do not like Nic Cage. He is terrible. He has been in about 600 movies and has been good in two of them. This is also a remake.





I give this ½ bloody hand print

The Children of the Corn-Stu

The Children of the Corn (2009)



Directed by Donald P Borchers



Starring some creepy kids and two horrible adult actors



In a small town in Nebraska, the children rule the land. Adults are evil and they need to be eliminated. An annoying married couple decides to go on a second honeymoon to try to save there verbally abusive marriage. For some reason, driving on the interstate is too easy. They are driving on roads that no one should. Apparently getting to California fast is not in their plans. Instead, why not have your horrible wife scream at you for longer. Well, they hit a kid with the car, and I know what you are thinking, Comedy? No! this kid was already severely injured. But why, when, how, who(cares) ? They go into town and a bunch of creepy kids start doing the Lord’s work. Which if you open up your Bibles, is clearly to kill everyone over 19 to make the crops grow. So sacrifice the annoying couple.


I don’t know why this movie was remade. The first one was definitely not this annoying. The best parts are when the guy hits his wife(you would too) and when the woman is eliminated. The creepy kid sex is disturbing and the kids are not that scary. Watch the original and you will not be that impressed, watch the remake and you have wasted an hour and a half of your life.



½ bloody hand print

The Uninvited-Stu

The Uninvited (2009)


Directed by Thomas and Charles Guard


Starring Elizabeth Banks(Slither, Scrubs, Apatow movies), Emily Browning(Lemony Snicket‘s, Ned Kelly), Arielle Kebbel(John Tucker Must Die), and David Strathairn(lots of stuff)


Anna is in a mental institution. Her mother died in a tragic fire and she attempted suicide. Her doctor thinks it is time she goes home and faces her past. She returns home to find that her father is dating her mother’s nurse. Along with her sister, Anna attempts to find out if her mother’s death was an accident. They begin to notice that many strange things are happening, such as dead children, boyfriends, and mothers visiting them. The pieces come together and they reveal that dad’s girlfriend is a murderer, but wait there is a twist…..



A who-done-it/ horror that makes everyone in audience yawn. No real thrills just the typical loud bangs to make jumpy people, well, jump. This movie is uneventful, as far as entertainment. It is probably better to rent a movie that is acclaimed.

I’ve seen this damn thing twice, so you don’t have to.


I give this ½ bloody hand print

Saw-Stu

Saw


Directed by James Wan



Starring Cary Elwes, Danny Glover, Monica Potter, and Tobin Bell




Two people find themselves the pawns in an evil, sick game. They are the latest victims of the Jigsaw killer. They must follow the rules to the game or they will end up dead and so will their families. These people are chosen for a reason and they are going to pay for their sins.



This movie is well written. Not wonderfully acted, but much better than most horror movies. This is the type of movie that you could watch and love, or watch and think that it is just another B horror. This movie exploded into lots of sequels. The sequels don’t seem to follow the original storyline, but they make a lot of money. They are entertaining and supposedly the last one is coming out this Halloween. Watching them all over a couple days is kinda fun( I did it last year). But if you have to choose one, the original is the best.




I give this 3 ½ bloody hand prints

The Witches of Eastwick

Genre: Horror/Comedy

Director: George Miller

Screenplay: Michael Cristofer based on the novel by John Updike

Starring: Cher, Susan Sarandon, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Jack Nicholson

When Alex, Jane, and Sukie get together one night and have a few drinks, they begin to discuss the perfect man. What they aren’t aware of is that he’s moved into town especially for them. He’s charming and he’s charismatic, wooing all three of the women, but there is also something very off about him. Maybe the man of their dreams is from actually from their nightmares.

This is a very fun film from the 80’s that is mostly made fun by the acting. The story itself is not that strong, but Jack Nicholson and his knack for crazy draws you in for a good laugh. The film attempts to poke fun at the unconventional, but if they didn’t have the actors they chose, it wouldn’t nearly be as fun. I personally have not read the book, but I imagine it to be much more entertaining and interesting than the movie since a movie was actually made. The screenwriter’s take on the novel just didn’t translate well to the big screen. It is possible that the lack of technology during this time may have also played a role with the story not going so smoothly.

I didn’t hate this movie and did enjoy the actors a lot, but I don’t recommend rushing out and buying it. If you find it cheap as I did, then sure knock yourself out.

I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Planet Terror

Twilight

Genre:Romance/Horror

Director: Catherine Hardwicke

Screenplay: Melissa Rosenberg based off the novel by Stephanie Meyer

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone, and Taylor Lautner

Bella moves to a small Washington town to live with her father, completely opposite of her Arizona upbringing. Her first day of school was expected to be awkward, because she was new. She did not, however, anticipate encountering Edward Cullen, a mysterious and withdrawn individual. If only she knew how much her life was going to change after meeting him.

Yes, I am doing a review on this, and yes, I am a fan. At least, I’m not a crazy one. I was a huge fan of the novels. True, they are not nobel prize winners, but for young adult novels, they’re pretty complex. I chose the wrong time to see this film for the first time, opening night. My friends and I were surrounded by tweens, not the remotely entertaining kind either, and a bad interpretation of the book, for which I blame the director. When the film was over, I had cracked several jokes about the film, was done with obsessive tweens, and probably saw one of the worst special effect understanding of something that should have been so simple. I was bummed and exhausted, and not at all amused by the girls screaming in ecstasy how amazing the film was. Did we not just leave the same theater? I apologize. I really shouldn’t be that demeaning to the tweens. I was that age once also. As I matured, my drama tolerance disappeared, leaving me very annoyed and uncomfortable when I cannot avoid most of it.

Catherine Hardwicke did an amazing job with Thirteen. It was fantastic, and indie films are her forte. I believe that she was not exactly prepared for the differences of an epic and commercial, twilight is big enough to practically be a brand, film opposed to an indie film. Indie films are raw and very dramatic and rely heavily on the acting, story and direction to provide the harmony. Twilight is a genre flick, and one that she seemed to try to film like a heavily dramatic indie film. The story alone has enough drama in it that it did not need severe emphasis by specific shots or overacting. My example being the scene when Bella enters biology class, and Edward has his very awkward reaction. I am sure that we will continue to see great things from this director, but her choice for the direction of this film was not wise at all. The sequels surpassed this film, easily, and I only expect the last novel’s interpretations to be the best yet.

Ah, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, what can I say? I don’t think that they were terrible in this movie because they are terrible actors. I believe that they’re performances were not up to par, because that’s how they were told to act. An actor doesn’t usually have full control over apart. Some directors do let allow actor go with the flow, but the point is that the director has to allow it first. Whether the director told them exactly how to act or presented them with suggestions for the scene, this is what an actor is paid to do. Kristen Stewart has always been one of the actresses I have kept my eye on since her performance in Speak. I thought she had a lot of potential to be a phenomenal actress, something she continues to prove. I actually feel the same about Robert Pattinson. They both seem to have an honesty about them that is hard to ignore. Maybe epic, commercial films are not really the boat they should be jumping on right now. I think they should focus more on indie films for the time being to practice their craft before they jump onto another highly commercial film. I would like them both to be known for their talent first and not just Edward and Bella. I will admit that I can’t imagine anyone else playing Edward and Bella, though.

Sorry, Taylor Lautner will not be discussed for this film, because he may have been in there for a full five minutes.


I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: The Witches of Eastwick

Underworld

Genre: Horror/Action

Director: Len Wiseman

Screenplay: Kevin Grevioux, Len Wiseman, and Danny McBride

Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Michael Sheen, Shane Brolly, and Bill Nighy

There is a great war raging between the vampires and the werewolves that has been billowing for centuries. In our modern day, Selene, a vampire, is part of a special force that has been given the task to eliminate as many werewolves as possible, a duty she is all too ready to complete since it was werewolves that killed her family centuries ago. When she discovers the werewolves’ latest plot, everything she thought she knew gets turned upside down, and she is forced to make a decision.

I have to point out that this was practically the first real movie of my generation to touch the whole vampires and werewolves as mortal enemies, and what a fine kickass interpretation it is. It is very action packed and entertaining movie. It does have vampires and werewolves, but the approach pushed the usual standard by not making it a traditional horror movie. I only use the term “horror” because there are indeed vamps and wolves and so goes the term. I hesitate to use the fantasy expression, because I feel it leans more towards worlds that have no connection to reality, where this film is set in our reality. This is an action flick. You are supposed to ooh and ahh over the special effects and enjoy the adventure, not jumping from being scared at random moments.

I have to admit that even the story was pretty impressive and well thought out. It starts out very black and white and ends grey. These are my favorite kinds of stories. The story remains compelling enough to keep you as interested as you are with the effects. That’s always a bonus with an action movie. Action movies tend to follow the same route as horror films and rely on how things are going to look and not the story. The sequel is pretty decent, but the prequel left more to be desired. Even the fact that Bill Nighy and Michael Sheen were in the prequel could not hold enough value to make it as good as the first two. Alas, there is talk a fourth which will follow the story line of the second movie. Hopefully, it will live up to the original.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Twilight

Devour

Genre: Horror

Director: David Winkler

Screenplay: Adam Gross and Seth Gross

Starring: Jensen Ackles, Dominique Swain, Shannyn Sossaman, William Sadler, and Teach Grant

It’s Jake’s birthday, and to celebrate, his friend invites him to play a game that randomly calls you and gives you orders. He thinks the game is harmless and joins in. No one informs him of the deadly consequences. On top of that, there may be an even deeper connection between the game and Jake, one Jake never saw coming.

Okay the main reason to watch this movie is because you like one of the actors and care stare upon their visage for a period of time, of course hopefully not in a creepy way. That was my reason, and that was purely its only entertaining factor. The story line isn’t that strong though tries to act like it’s psychological and gripping. I give it the psychological, more because at the end of the movie I had a letdown wtf moment. The acting was okay too, except for the sex scene. I am not one to usually comment on such moments in film history, but this was probably the most awkward one I have ever seen. The actors seemed uncomfortable, but you could clearly tell that they were overly trying to make it seem that they were indeed supposed to be having fun. Just awkward.

I give this film 1 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Underworld

Silent Hill

Genre: Horror

Director: Christophe Gans

Screenplay: Roger Avery

Starring: Radha Mitchell, Sean Bean, Laurie Holden, and Jodelle Ferland

Rose is worried about her daughter, Sharon, who keeps sleepwalking into frightful situations always calling out “Silent Hill.” Rose wants the sleepwalking to end and decides to take her to Silent Hill, which is a town, a haunted, deserted town. Getting into the town was not an easy task, and leaves Rose unconscious in her car. When she awakes, she find that her daughter is missing and searches the town for her, but she is not prepared to find out that the stories about Silent Hill are true and much worse.

I easily compared this movie to Resident Evil being that they both are based off of video games. In my opinion there was just as much to work with from the video game for Silent Hill as well as for the game for Resident Evil. The major difference is that the Silent Hill movie did a better job of conveying it, even if they flipped the main character from the father in the video game to the mother in the movie. There is a balance between the story and the effects. This was not the case with Resident Evil. Of course there are some horrible deaths in this movie, but it was not he focus. The focus of Silent Hill is the town, what happened and is happening to it, and most importantly how Sharon fits into the puzzle. The effects are blended nicely within the story, causing a lot of creep, but not overshadowing. Granted, the end even caused me to a have “gird your loins” moment, but anyone else could understand that sentiment.

I say that the film was story driven, but even it had its rough patches. The girl that is Sharon’s doppelganger runs around bringing Rose to the horrible truth of what happened to Alessa. There is a suggestion that the girl we see and Sharon are both born somehow from the real tragedy that happened to Alessa. The thing that looks like her seems to be all of the evil and angry energy born from the tragedy, and Sharon is all the good that was still left in her thrown out to try and find happiness. You go through all of that and you don’t really get what exactly Sharon is or what the future holds for her or the town. It was great to go through the movie, but too many questions were brought up at the end that were never properly answered. I guess this is why the video game has several sequels. One for the movie has yet to be established.

I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Devour

Resident Evil

Genre: Horror

Director: Paul W.S. Anderson

Screenplay: Paul W.S. Anderson

Starring: Milla Jovovich, Michelle Rodriguez, and Eric Mabius

Alice wakes up in a mansion with no memories of who she is or why she is there. As she begins to figure it out, a group of operatives break into the mansion and take her hostage. What is stranger is that the operatives are more interested in what’s underneath the mansion than Alice's amnesia. An entire company is found beneath the mansion, but everyone is dead. All that is found deep in the company is more questions, and most importantly, the dead may not be so dead.

Most who were fans of the video game found this movie severely lacking. It is the typical zombie flick, they’re there and they’re hungry. A twist with the zombie problem is that it carried on to animals, which isn’t the situation in most zombie movies. Why the zombies are there in this story is that the company located underneath the mansion has been developing many serums for medical advancement, just one of the serums happens to make you a zombie. Apparently there is an antidote, but the time frame in which it remains effective is nearly impossible. The game is much more entertaining than the movie, so stick with that. Saying that this particular film is crap does not mean that the sequels are. In fact, they are much better. I have yet to see the last one, but if it follows along the same track as the last two, I doubt that I will be disappointed.

My final observation in this film is a source of embarrassment for myself. So embarrassing, it took the third movie and a song for the light bulb to come on. I should explain first that I am a literature nerd, and have been looking for meaning and symbols buried in the subtext of many novels over the last ten years. I have also used this skill with movies, which is what made Donnie Darko so much fun for me. Why it took a remake of Starship’s White Rabbit during the ending credits of the third film to understand the Alice In Wonderland undertones in the movie, I have no idea. There was nothing secretive about the connection either. Let’s see, the main character’s name is Alice, instead of a rabbit hole to a secret world, one simply takes an elevator, and who runs the secret world, why the red queen of course. I could probably go further as in drink this and you’ll grow small or eat this and you’ll grow big to one of these serums turns you into a flesh eating zombie and the other makes sure you don’t. There is also the popular theory for us literary geeks that Alice’s story in the book is her journey of change or to womanhood. I think we can all agree that Alice from the movie is definitely a changed woman at the end of the film. The fact that I was completely oblivious of all of these when I first saw the movie makes me think I should send back my degree.

I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Silent Hill

The Unborn

Genre: Horror

Director: David S. Goyer

Screenplay: David S. Goyer

Starring: Odette Yustman, Gary Oldman, and Cam Gigandet

Casey discovers a horrifying secret. She was a twin, but her brother passed in the womb. Now due to a tragedy in her family’s past, something is seeking vengeance on her, because she alone survived the birth. This force won’t stop until it has destroyed her, and it will destroy everything and everyone it its path until it has her.

Though I know some may disagree with me, but I actually kind of liked this movie. This was story driven, and I think you know by now how much I love those, plus it had Gary Oldman. My exact thought when I saw the preview was that the movie could not be that bad if Gary Oldman was in it, because he is a phenomenal actor. I was, for the most part, correct. It sure is not the best film of its kind, but I found it surprising enough at times to be satisfying. Gary Oldman’s performance was satisfying enough, but they again, I’m under the impression that he can’t be terrible. The story also became much more complex than ever expected, which added to the film’s value.

There were also the standard crazy deaths in this film, but mostly due to more creative and imaginative effects. I like to think that the main goal of this movie is to creep the audience out as opposed to scare the mess out of it, which mostly makes it a better movie. The story alone is creepy enough, but how they chose to materialize that story, makes it more creepy. That is where the effects come in. Insert creepy children here. There is nothing more disturbing in a film than a creepy child. I think we can all remember Gabe from Pet Sematary. Probably one of the most memorable scenes from The Exorcist due to how uncomfortable it made the audience was when Regan pulls her not so human contortionist act down the stairs. With today’s technology added to a similar contorted display, the creep factor gets multiplied by at least 50. It’s enough to make the movie watchable.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Resident Evil

The Craft

Genre: Horror/Fantasy

Director: Andrew Fleming

Screenplay: Peter Filardi and Andrew Fleming

Starring: Robin Tunney, Fairuza Baulk, Neve Campbell, Rachel True, and Skeet Ulrich

Sarah and her family move to a new town so that she can make a fresh start. The first girls to befriend her are the outcasts at school. Feeling like an outcast herself, Sarah believes that she has found her place. Her new friends invite her to join in on their extracurricular activity, witchcraft. The girls will soon learn that while some power can be good other power can be quite seductive and evil.

So, first, I want to say that the film is okay. This was one of the movies that was a dirty little secret when I was a tween. My friends and I would watch it thinking how cool it would be if we had powers. Let me place a disclaimer here to ensure my fine audience that I meant the last statement in a purely imaginative sense. I never actively pursued it myself, the main reason being that it was just a movie. That being said this movie was more of a cult favorite of mine when I was young and was still too naïve to really care about the story and the acting.

Acting and story in this film are nothing to skip around about, but it did introduce a lot of young actors of the time. We learned that the little girl, Fairuza Baulk, from Return to Oz, can be one crazy bia. Robin Tunney had bad Rachel hair before she ended up on The Mentalist. Neve Campbell was always doomed to play emotional distraught characters. And finally, Skeet Ulrich didn’t always have the long, greasy hair that girls swooned over after watching Scream. I would like to note that I was not one of these girls, because the whole brutal killer mantle was not something that was attractive to me.

I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: The Unborn

Paranormal Entity-Stu

Paranormal Entity


Directed by Shane Van Dyke


Starring the director and other nobodies



So some sort of evil is haunting a family. They are getting harassed by a spirit from beyond. Things are moving, sounds are happening, and the sister is getting the worst of it. They set up traps and cameras to try and find out why this is happening to them. They struggle to establish a reason for why they are the victims and they would love to live a normal life. The happenings become more frequent and more intense. It all come to an end with the sister getting attacked(whilst naked) by the demon.


This is the same style as Paranormal Activity, but much worse. If you have not seen PA and watch this, you may think this is not bad. The whole finally demon rape is a little disturbing, but I guess that is the point. Watch PA and save yourself some time.



I give this 1 bloody hand print

Seven-Stu

Seven

Directed by David Fincher

Starring: REAL ACTORS!! Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Gwyn Paltrow, and Kevin Spacey



The movie is a psychological thriller/horror/ cop drama. It takes place in New York City. A serial killer is on the loose and is taking his wrath out on random hoards of people. Pitt and Freeman try to piece together the connections. Why this guy? And this one? The chase around the city trying to connect the dots and they find some Biblical connection. The murders seem to have a connection to the seven deadly sins. The chase around and try to find him before he kills more. The connections are being made when the unthinkable happens… he surrenders. He says that he will reveal the last 2 murders if the cops follow his commands.


The twist is good , the acting is better and this one I do not want to spoil. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you. Go rent it now.


This movie gets 4 ½ bloody hand prints.

The Crazies-Stu

The Crazies

Directed: Breck Eisner

Starring Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell and crazy towns folk

OK, so I have been slacking on these but I’m about to blow your mind. (Spoilers everywhere)

Set in middle America, a police officer and a doctor live the happy life, in a small town. It is the start of spring and the whole town is at the local baseball team’s opening day. While enjoying the swell efforts of the home team, something goes horribly wrong. A normal family man walks in from the outfield. The pitcher was doing fine, so it wasn’t a pitching change. Besides a lefty was coming up to bat and can hit a slider. This guy coming in from the outfield looks like he couldn’t close the refrigerator. (boom) The other odd thing was the man was in his 40’s. Oh yeah, he has a shotgun. So the sheriff walks out to the outfield and asks the man to politely leave, by shooting him in the face. This causes quite a stir in the small community. They thought he was just drunk, but here is the big twist……he was a recovered alcoholic. He hadn’t had a drink in years.
The doctor has another seemingly normal family man come in for a check up and something is not right with him either. He has been attacked by the evil plaid monster and he seems sick. Later that night, the craaaaaaazy man goes out to the barn and starts his combine, but its not even harvest . Things are getting nutty. The mom rushes out to the barn, then back in the house, then into the closet. So the man burns the house down. What is going on? The suspense is getting intense. This is followed by hunters finding a dead pilot in the woods. But there isn’t an airport around. No, no this doesn’t make any sense. So now more people are turning into crazy zombie like creatures. They were victims of a government experiment went wrong.

This movie was though it was set in the 1950’s, but with guns, cars, cell phones, and techmollogy. SO this movie had no real great moments. It had some gore and some shooting and a decent car wash scene, but overall you are better off watching a real zombie movie or 28 Days Later.


I give this movie 1 ½ bloody hand prints

Monster House

Genre: Family

Director: Gil Kenan

Screenplay: Dan Harmon, Ron Shrab, and Pamela Pettler

Starring: Steve Buscemi, Catherine O’Hara, Fred Willard, Jason Lee, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Mitchell Musso, and Sam Lerner.

DJ is noticing something very strange about the house across the street. The house seems to have evil intentions, and people are disappearing after they go near it. Along with his friend, Chowder, DJ decides to confront the house before anyone else falls victim. He’s just not sure if he’s going to make it out of the house, either.

There are a couple of reasons why I give this movie a big outstanding. The first one is the animation itself. This is one of the first films I’ve seen where the cinematography of an animated film has taken a step further to really replicate that of a live action film. The lack of this doesn’t make an animated film necessarily bad. I am assuming that focus on this type of cinematography adds more frames to the budget, and computer generated animation is not cheap. For example, there is a scene where DJ is playing basketball. The detail and care that is added to the scene is fantastic. There was many a time where I wondered if the film was originally planned as a live action film, but maybe it would have more expensive to make the house animation seem real.

The second reason is the story. The characters were so well rounded that it would always make me laugh. I kept comparing this movie to The Goonies as I watched, which is one of the best family movies ever. The same care and detail that was put into the animation was also put in the story. It is a great family movie, but I should mention that the story is a little more mature than for younger audiences. I do not mean that it is mean or inappropriate, a little more developed and may not hold interest for children.

I give this film 4 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: The Craft

American Psycho

Genre: Horror/Thriller

Director: Mary Harron

Screenplay: Mary Harron and Guinvere Turner based on the novel by Bret Easton Ellis

Starring: Christian Bale, Justin Theroux, Josh Lucas, William Defoe, and Reese Witherspoon

Patrick has everything: success, money, and the perfect girl. What more could he need? Apparently, he also needs murder, and lots of it. Driven by his need for perfection, anything that doesn’t make the cut has to be destroyed.

However disturbing this film is, it makes up for it with being phenomenal. This film should have been Christian Bale’s first Oscar nod. His performance alone carries the entire movie. I warn you that it can get pretty gory, but Christian Bale’s character keeps you wanting to watch more and more to try and figure the character out. One moment his character is butchering a woman and the next he’s arguing passionately about the greatness of Robert Palmer. The movie is a train wreck, that you are continuously compelled to watch.

Sadly, you would think that if I like this movie so much I would have more to say, but I don’t. It is really just based on Mr. Christian Bale. The writing isn’t that bad either, but it doesn’t hold a candle to Bale’s acting performance.

I give this film 4 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Monster House

Final Destination

Genre: Horror

Director: James Wong

Screenplay: Glen Morgan, James Wong, and Jeffrey Reddick

Starring: Devon Sawa, Ali Larter, Kerr Smith, Sean Willam Scott, Amanda Detmer, and Kristen Cloke

As Alex is waiting to board a plane to France with the rest of his classmates for a school trip, he has a vision of the plane blowing up. He shakes it off and boards the plan, but when small things play out just like his vision, he realizes the plane would indeed explode. He causes a scene and tries to get everyone off the plane. Only a few of his classmates and a teacher get off with him, and they become the lone survivors of the crash, that is until the survivors seem to be killed off one by one by an unforeseen force. Alex starts to have more visions of his fellow survivors’ deaths, and he strives to stop what’s trying to kill them all.

I have always liked this movie, because it had an interesting story. Sure people were getting killed off in imaginative ways is this film, but it was who was doing the killing and why that made this a better horror film. The story plays with the theme of cheating death and whether or not that is indeed possible. I would like to believe that it is because of the story that three sequels were spawned, but alas, that is not how Hollywood likes to work. If the only reason for a sequel to be made in the land of horror was due to the original being top notch, we wouldn’t have nearly as many horror movies. It would be such a shame if Saw V was never made. Please insert a sarcastic tone with that last sentence. As much as I like this film, I only gave the second one a chance and found that it was not nearly as good, which is why I haven’t been interested in seeing the last two. They just don’t harness the delicacy of balance between the story and the deaths that the first one did. These sequels seemed to only have been made purely to up the ante as far as the character deaths are concerned.

The acting in the film was decent, nothing award winning, but I think that they pulled their characters off as well as to be expected, the exception being Sean William Scott’s exclamations right before he literally lost his head. As creepy as the whole you can’t cheat death concept is concerned, the creepiest part of this entire film is how they repeatedly used John Denver as a death omen with his song, Rocky Mountain High.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: American Psycho

Friday the 13th

Genre: Horror/Thriller

Director: Marcus Nispel

Screenplay: Damian Shannon and Mark Swift

Starring: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle, Aaron Yoo, and Derek Mears

Clay Miller is searching for his lost sister. She disappeared after a camping trip near Crystal Lake and has since been presumed dead. Clay can’t take that for an answer, and travels to Crystal Lake to find her. Clay meets Jenna and the rest of her friends during his search. Her friends aren’t as warm to Clay or as supportive, but they all find themselves having to work together as they become targeted by a killer, the same killer that may have killed Clay sister.

So this is a remake of the original Friday the 13th, or should I say the first three films of the original series. Before I saw this film I heard the plotline and that there would actually be a Jason. I was confused, because the original was about Jason’s mother losing her marbles and taking her angry out on the camp. I was intrigued to watch it because of this change, and I like Jared Padalecki from his work on Supernatural. Was I completely impressed by the film, not so much. It was okay in a loose emphasis kind of way. I prefer the original. There is another reason why I was interested in watching this. The Halloween remake had come out previously, and I was so impressed by the story’s change in direction that I thought any following remakes would try to take up this mantle. In the case of this movie, that’s a big no. It decides to take the usual slasher flick formula and kill off in the most creative ways the stupid, high and sometimes naked young adults that are in it.

If you’re a fan of the original or of horror flicks in general, I guess you kind of have to see this film if not only for comparison. I watched these films as teen, because that’s what you did at that age. Someone would sneak them into a sleepover, and you tried not to scream so loud to make the parents aware of what you were doing. It was fun to get a good scream and get grossed out, but as I have gotten older, these films don’t hold as much interest to me. I need a better story. Anymore, I’ll watch these films out of principle, like in the case of a remake, or because I like an actor. These types of films would be sitting on a gold mine if they would put just a little more effort in the story. The Halloween remake would never have gotten as much kudos if it didn’t focus on the story a little more. Let that be a lesson slasher flicks.


I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Final Destination

The Hollow

Genre: Horror

Director: Kyle Newman

Screenplay: Hans Rodionoff

Starring: Kevin Zegers, Kelly Cuoco, Nick Carter, Stacey Keach, and Judge Reinhold

Ian has discovered that he is the descendant of Ichabod Crane, and that the legend of Sleepy Hallow may not be a legend. The headless horseman rides again, but is it real or just a stunt being pulled off by his arrogant classmate. One thing is for sure, people are dying, and Ian has to stop it before he’s next.

This movie is a modern day version of legendary Sleepy Hallow tale, except it’s just not a good one. It misses out on the entire reason of why this legend is so popular, because it is a good story. This is a large hint saying that is what should be the focus. Why focus on the story when you can off people? It is a reasonable argument as long as you make the effects remotely worth watching, not the case here. The acting doesn’t even give this movie any credit.

I feel that I must admit at this point that I do indeed own this film. That would be because I was a huge Backstreet Boys fan and smitten with Nick Carter. Though I still enjoy their music, I have learned my lesson and have quit my swooning ways. I think this was due more to divine intervention as my tail light accidentally got busted by some of their roadies at the last concert I went to. Apparently, I was being told that it was time to move on. Nick Carter may be pretty, but he should really stick to singing. Acting is definitely not his forte. It is now understandable why his film debut as “kid on slippy slide” in Edward Scissorhands remains uncredited.

I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Friday the 13th

My Bloody Valentine 3D

Genre: Horror/Thriller

Director: Patrick Lussier

Screenplay: Zane Smith and Todd Farmer

Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, and Kerr Smith

After ten years the town of Harmony is still feeling the pain and fear of the Valentine’s Day Massacre. When his father died, Tom was forced to return to place where Harry Warden almost killed him, a place he had left behind him ten years ago including the love of his life, Sarah. Harmony seems to be full of surprises for Tom. His former girlfriend is now married and has a child. She is also married to old classmate, AxeI. Not only is Axel still a jerk to Tom, but now he’s the sheriff. The biggest surprise of them all is that Harry Warden doesn’t seem to be dead anymore, and he’s picked up right where he left off.

This is a typical slasher flick, following the rules to a tee. It really doesn’t matter what happens in this type of film as long as there are elaborate and gory methods of killing off characters and at least one poor girl is naked for no good reason at all. These films are not exactly concerned with the story or acting, period. I should also point out that this film was indeed a remake, which means the gore and nakedness has to be tripled.

This film had some awkward and uncomfortable death scenes in it, for me at least. I think I’m starting to mature, who knew? I am very aware that a movie is fake, but if I’m cringing over the gore, then that means it’s pretty graphic. They definitely stepped up the gore in this film compared to the original. The fact the film was in 3D helped the gore and effects out tremendously. 3D has become the new fad right now, but this film was one of the first horror films of the current fad to get the treatment. I fully feel that the 3D does actually make the movie more watchable. As far as up-ing the nudity, it graduated from what I like to refer to as “the unnecessary boob shot” that all eighties horror movies loved to use, to a graphic sex scene to the poor girl running around naked until she meets her inevitable death. I know a lot of my guy friends would argue with me and tell me that there is no such thing as unnecessary nudity, but throughout that entire scene all I could think was, “Why is she naked?” and “Why’d they have to kill the midget?” The untimely death of any midget is upsetting enough.

So, why is this film in my top ten list if I’m rating it so low and why in the hell do I own it? There is a simple answer to this question, an answer so good, that there is no need for further explanation other than two words. That answer would be: Jensen Ackles.

I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Hollow

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Genre: Horror/Comedy

Director: Fran Rubel Kuzui

Screenplay: Joss Whedon

Starring: Kristy Swanson, Luke Perry, Donald Sutherland, Rutger Hauer, David Arquette, Paul Reubens, and Hilary Swank

Buffy is a typical high school cheerleader from southern California. Her main interests are the latest fashion, boys, and the upcoming school dance. This all changes when she is approached by a man who tells her that she is chosen, chosen to slay vampires. How is a girl supposed to balance fighting the dark forces of the undead and be the head cheerleader?

Yes, this movie isn’t exactly award winning, but to a girl who was eight, this was a gem. I was too young to know any better at the time, but this was quotable gold for my friends and me. I even remember us singing “How funky is your chicken” in the lunch line. As an adult, it is still entertaining but more in a sentimental way. I’m sure this probably made most of its profit from devoted Luke Perry fans at the time, but now I’m sure there has been a revival of purchases since its television version debuted.

Ah, the television show. A true fan of the show and Joss Whedon could not complete their collection without this film. Please, also let it be known, that Joss Whedon is not to be blamed for the movie. If he had his way originally, the movie would have reflected the show. Apparently the studio found it preposterous that a teenage cheerleader could fight vampires and be taken seriously as such, hence the campy movie. Who am I to complain about the state of the movie, because if they had let Joss Whedon have full reign, there may have been no following television series. That is something that I never want to comprehend. That show literally changed my life. It taught me that girls can kick ass and not just Xena, and most importantly, that I want to write. If there was no show, I may have been an investment banker now. *shivers.* Sooo, so not me.

Oddly, the first actors I think of concerning this movie are Hilary Swank, Donald Sutherland, and Paul Reubens. Hilary Swanks character is unbelievably annoying in this film, but hey this was her first real movie. If she hadn’t of taken this job we may have never seen her award winning performance in Boys Don’t Cry. Donald Sutherland has to be mentioned, because he is a badass. And finally, Paul Reubens. What’s more fun than seeing Pee-Wee Herman act not so Pee-Wee Herman? Plus, bonus points for a fabulous death scene. Finally, I must make small references to Ben Affleck who can be seen playing basketball and to Seth Green, who’s scenes were cut from the original film but can be seen as a vampire on the back cover of the film jacket. He sure showed us that resurrection is always a possibility in the buffyverse since he went on to play a leading and beloved member of the television cast for a couple of seasons.

Sorry Kristy, but Sarah will always be Buffy to me.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Donnie Darko

Genre: Sci-fi/Mystery

Director: Richard Kelly

Screenplay: Richard Kelly

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jena Malone, Drew Berrymore, Noah Wylie, and Patrick Swayze

Donnie has always been a troubled individual, but one night a mysterious being tells him that world will end and is given the exact date and time. Ironically, because he was with this mysterious being, he was saved from jet engine falling into his room. Both odd occurrences intrigue him rather than disturb him. The only normalcy he seems to experience is a budding romance with the new girl in school. The mysterious being continues to pop up randomly and tell him facts and instructions, but where exactly is it all leading towards and how is everything connected?

Okay, this film is not obviously an automatic choice for Halloween. I chose it because it is weird, has a Halloween party, and is one of the best films I have ever seen. It is an amazing story that applies the best use of foreshadowing I’ve ever seen in a movie. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen this film, but every time I do, I find a new clue that leads to the conclusion. Not to mention, it also has one of the most amazing film montages. There is a bonus perk for me that this film takes place in the Eighties. That being said, the soundtrack is phenomenal because of that fact, but sadly no true soundtrack was ever released. The only one out there is made up of mostly score and of course the wonderful remake of the Tears for Fears song, “Mad World.” If this film was never made, then that version of the song probably would never have been existed. That’s sad enough on its own.

I would normally talk about the acting in this film, but as great as it was, no one really stands out in this film. The actors are all on equal ground with their characters, yet another reason why this film was so good. That being said, I do believe that this was the film that really set Jake Gyllenhaal’s career going. We were all introduced to his fantastic acting ability in October Sky, so his skill in this film was of no surprise.

There is just a beautiful harmony about this film, which is a rare feat for a movie to accomplish. I admit that the film may not be for you if you not into science-fiction. The shortest and loosest description of what this film is about is time travel. That may be a little hard to swallow at times. This is also the type of film that you have to pay attention to. If you can’t commit that to it, then you will not get any enjoyment out of it. Because of these elements, it was no surprise that this became a cult hit, and shocking that it did not originally go to the theaters first. I will contest that I have only seen the original. I have been told iffy things about the director’s cut and especially the sequel. I will eventually give both a chance.

NOTE: One final thing. DO NOT READ the back cover of the movie jacket. The fact that someone was actually commissioned to write that film synopsis is appalling. The back leads you to believe that you’re in for some crappy horror movie, and is in no way a proper representation of the movie. Please do not let that back sway you from taking a chance on this film.

I give this film 5 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Paranormal Activity

Genre: Horror

Director: Oren Peli

Screenplay: Oren Peli

Starring: Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat

Micah and Katie have been experiencing strange occurrences in their house. Micah decides to get camera equipment to determine what is actually happening in their house. Neither one is prepared for what they actually find.

This film needs to be immediately compared with The Blair Witch Project. It is the same type of attempt at horror. Let’s use a fake documentary and pretend that it’s real. The only difference between this film and The Blair Witch Project is that this film actually achieved the creep factor. It probably helps that we as an audience have been exposed to such shows as Ghosthunters. This film monopolizes on all things creepy coming from these kinds of shows, plus a little drama. It just brings on the creeps. The acting in my opinion is exceptional. It would really have to be to make it even remotely believable.

I was thoroughly impressed with the film altogether. This is about as creeped out by a film that I have ever been, just based on the film itself. I’ve been creeped out by a creepy child here and there, and I certainly don’t handle snakes well. As far as a movie and its full story line, this was a first. Me saying that at all should be enough grounds for you to know that it’s a good scary movie or at least scary enough for those faint of heart not to mess with it.

I give this film 4 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Donnie Darko

Night Watcher- Stu

2008

Director:
Will Gordh

Starring: One of the writers, A girl that was in one episode of Dexter, and no one else you have heard of.

A young girl is sad over her mother’s suicide. She goes to group where she connects with the other early 20’s group member, who happens to be a boy. They quickly jump into a relationship and bond over the loss of their loved ones. They then mysteriously receive packages from an unknown sender. They get video tapes of there now dead loved ones. It is the in window, stalker type that we have come to love in C list horror movies. The movies become more frequent, as do the bad lines and worse acting. The tapes end as they both get taken hostage by the murderer, yes murderer, of their parents. Finding out who the killer is not hard, because there are about 6 characters in the movie. I am saving you the trouble of going to Redbox and getting this and will just let you know, the killer is the girls teacher. Devastated over the loss of his daughter to tonsillitis, yup, he decides to take the lives who ruined his. The two 20somethings parents were both doctors.


In the spirit of the season I give this movie ½ of a bloody hand print.

My Top Ten- Stu

Hello all. This is Stu presenting the 10 best Horror Movies of all time. This is not my top 10 list, this is the actual top 10. AFI may say different but who wants to watch only movies from 1900-1950.

So I have been watching horror movies for at least three years and I have seen exactly 673 of them(approximately). SPOILER ALERT!!!!! If you haven’t seen these movies, I may ruin them for you. So here they is……

1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I remember the first time I saw this was at a friend’s birthday sleepover. His dad thought it would be fun to yelp randomly throughout the movie. That plus the old man with a fake face hitting someone with a hammer makes this movie. The first movie that really scared me.

2. Saw
It spawned a lot of sequels. The storyline has gone from none to lots, which get worse. The first one is pretty crazy. Puzzles of death are fun.

3. Paranormal Activity
Where did this movie come from? Blair Witch started this kind of awesome, internet based “true” story. (I have not seen the star of this movie in a Steak n’ Shake commercial, though….look it up) The night cameras provided some fun stuff, they kind of killed it with the attempt of a connection to some old dead girl.

4. Event Horizon
This movie used to creep me out in high school. The whole end of the solar system-different dimension-afterlife-good/evil-etc. is a little lame, but to watch someone’s face getting melted while shouting at you in Latin is pretty scary.

5. Silence of Lambs
Hannibal Lector is thought of as one the greatest villains ever, but Jodie Foster in Nell is creepier. Great movie not necessarily a horror movie, but a good thriller. Lots of great lines in this movie, as well. Don’t watch if you are tired, it moves slowly.

6. The Sixth Sense
M. Night jumped on the scene with this movie. The colors, the twist ending is now a standard in his movies. This movie made it hard for people to follow his career. I liked Unbreakable and Signs. The Village was horror-ible (yes, I went there). I saw a rough cut of The Village in a Dollar Theatre and you could actually see boom mics in it. Lady in the Water was not a great movie, but it had some great acting by Paul Giamanti. The Happening started awesome. Go watch the first 10 mins of the movie and turn it off. Make up your own ending and I guarantee you it is better than what was actually on the screen. Plus Marky Mark was horror-ible(again). His whiney questions plus Zooey D. staring at the camera with her big eyes did not help. The Devil was ok. They crammed a lot into 1:23. But anyway, The Sixth Sense is #6 for novelty. Which lead me to the # 7 movie…..

7. Seven
You wish you were this witty. What’s in the booooox??!?

8. Halloween
Please half naked babysitter, run upstairs.

9. The Shining
This movie is soooo long. Creepy kids(this is going to be a theme).

10. It
I scared one of my best friend’s little sister so bad with a creepy clown mask that she still brings it up today. That was ten years ago. Clowns are pretty freaky.

The Lost Boys

Genre: Horror

Director: Joel Schumacher

Screenplay: Janice Fischer, James Jeremias, and Jeffrey Boam

Starring: Kiefer Sutherland, Jason Patric, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Jaime Gertz

Michael and his family moved to make a new start in a small Californian town. Soon Michael becomes entranced with a girl his sees at the beach fair. His attraction to the girl brings something far more deadly for Michael. Vampires. Finding himself turning into one, he and his brother have to find a way to stop his transformation and save the town and their family from vampires.

So maybe it was supposed to scary as well as funny back in 1987, but again special effects were barely in their adolescence at the time. Being as terrible as they are, I feel, adds to the entertainment. I’m sure the bathtub scene was scary in its time, but for my generation it is just gore with a side of ridiculous, which makes us laugh. Maybe we’re desensitized because things only allowed in “R” rated films at the time of this movie is common place on network television now. Doesn’t really say a whole lot for our generation, but, hey, it is the life we know. This is still one of my favorite movies of the Eighties, purely for the entertainment value alone.

How can you not love a film that brought us the true power of the Coreys. This was the first movie they did together. I know it may be hard to conceive, but if this movie had never been made, it is possible none of the famous Corey films would have been made. Shocking, I know. I can hardly contain my emotions as I type. Let us take a moment of silence for the great Corey Haim……….

And we’re back. The acting isn’t remarkably famous in this movie, but that’s not the point of this film. I think that there are still valuable lessons that can be learned from this movie.

1. Just because she’s pretty does not mean you should engage.
2. Red bandanas are not just for Rambo.
3. One must always check their Chinese takeout before actually putting it into
their mouth.
4. Taxidermy, while creepy, can make for one hell of a fun grandpa.
5. And lastly, if you were in need of help for actual vampire termination, do not go
to a comic book store for that help.


I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Paranormal Activity (This review had to be postponed for a day.)

Idle Hands

Genre: Horror/Comedy

Director: Rodman Flender

Screenplay: Terri Hughes and Ron Milbauer

Starring: Devon Sawa, Seth Green, Elden Henson, Jessica Alba, and Vivica A. Fox

Anton has a problem with his hand. It’s been possessed by the devil and is killing everyone he knows. Being a professional stoner, Anton never did much with his life. His lack of ambition made him the perfect candidate for possession. With the help of his undead best friends, he has to figure out a way to stop his hand before it kills the girl of his dreams and, well, everyone else.

The main reason I saw this movie at all was because of Devon Sawa. I had a ridiculously large crush on him during my teen years. Let’s just say, I’ve seen this movie is a lot due to that reason. What I didn’t expect is for the movie to actually be entertaining, if you can stomach and laugh at gore. This is not a hard thing for me, because I am acutely aware of the fact that it is all fake. Put me in front of Discovery Health surgery show, and I turn green and freak. This kind of film you have to take it for what it is, a comedy.

What makes this film entertaining is that it is stupid. The script isn’t something that defies genius. The film pokes fun at itself and makes you laugh. Probably the best scene in the whole film is when Anton decides the best way to keep his hands busy is by knitting. He sits in front of a Rob Zombie video between his two undead friends and knits. The comedy is built on the absurdity of these situations. Do not expect a life changer when watching this movie. It is purely mindless entertainment.

I’ve seen all the actors in this film act better in something else, but they seemed to have fun. Ever since the first time I’ve seen this film, I ask myself the same question. Why in the world was Vivica A. Fox in this movie. She had enough big budget films behind her that this kind of movie should have never perked her interest. I can understand why the others were in it being that they were emerged in the teen movie phenomenon of the time. Still why Vivca A. Fox was still in this film, I will never know.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Paranormal Activity

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Title: Something Wicked This Way Comes

Genre: Family

Director: Jack Clayton

Screenplay: Ray Bradbury, adapted from his novel

Starring: Jason Robards, Jonathan Price, Diane Ladd, Vidal Peterson, and Shawn Carson

Best friends Will and Jim are entranced by the new circus in town. The circus holds many wonders for children and adults alike. The boys soon discover that there is something sinister about the circus, and it seems that the circus needs more than just money for admission. The circus’s evil plans seem to be spreading throughout the town, and only Will, Jim, and Will’s grandfather can stop it.

Being that special effects were not exactly top notch in 1983, the film had to rely completely on creepy tale that Ray Bradbury had to offer. It relies completely on the theme, “be careful what you wish for.” Everyone has regrets or they think of the “what if.” The problem is that we can’t change who we are or what we turned out to be. The only thing we have some control over is our next step. The story twists your fantasies into your own personal horror. As for the old woman that obsessed over her youth and former beauty. The circus returned both to her, but at the cost of her sight, playing with the theme of “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” How can the woman be truly beautiful if she cannot see herself? The story forces you to find what you really truly need as opposed to what you want.

I think that the film aptly represented the novel, the main reason being that Ray Bradbury wrote the script himself. The acting from Jonathan Price is something that, at least as a child, severely gave me the creeps. I still think of his character when I see men wearing top hats. As much as it creeped me out as a kid, I love it now. It is possible to scare a child with this movie, but I think it is still family friendly. You really need to judge it by the child. If the child is easily frightened, I would encourage not having them watch this.

I give this film 4 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Idle Hands

Hocus Pocus

Genre: Family

Director: Kenny Ortega

Screenplay: Mick Garris and Neil Cuthbert

Starring: Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, Sarah Jessica Parker, Omri Katz, and Thora Birch

Salem has a town legend of the three Sanderson Sisters. Max is just too concerned with being the new kid in town and trying to win the heart of the pretty girl in school, Allison, to ever believe in an old town legend. He soon finds himself face to face with the legends themselves. With the help of Allison and his little sister, Dani, Max has to find a way to stop the Sanderson sisters’ evil plot.

This is fun movie for the whole family. They put the hokey in the Hocus Pocus with this film. The story is really well done with this movie. It balanced the plot with humor and fun without being too campy. I also enjoy how the “scary” elements were handled. They were not too scary for a child and allowes a child to laugh at these elements. I also enjoyed that there was enough adult humor to allow the older crowd to still have fun with the film. This humor did not overwhelm the film, but allowed just enough balance to be enjoyable for everyone. These types of films that harness this balance usually do better than most family films.

I have always been a great fan of Bette Midler and even though her lip make-up in this film creeps me out a bit. She is an exceptional actress that can play a serious part to blow your mind, but when it comes to fun films, she has no problem having fun or making fun of herself. This is a quality that I love most in an actor. Actors that can flit with ease from movie to movie with a different style of their own will actually be the reason I go to a movie. The make me want to see a movie regardless how great or bad I’m told a film is. This is what Bette Midler did for this movie. The fact that she had a playful role sealed the deal for me.

I will admit that I am personally not a large fan of Sarah Jessica Parker. From what I’ve seen of her she really only seems to play one type of character. This would be fine if all of her characters fit into this type. This character was perfect for Sex and the City. It did not however work very well for Did you Hear About the Morgans? or Failure to Launch. Most of her roles tend to lean towards okay rather than excellent due to this. Hocus Pocus is probably my favorite of all of her movies. She seems to really relax in this film and just have fun. It is a quality that is extremely rare for her. She should take on this fun mantle a little more with her next projects. I would probably enjoy her a little more if she did.

I give this film 4 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Something Wicked This Way Comes